


333

by cgee



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: 333, AU (kind of?), F/F, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-01-16 09:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12340011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cgee/pseuds/cgee
Summary: Eleanor gets soulmate envy when having one you have to actively bathe is kind of a drag. Tahani wants to help and Vicki is more than happy to lend her...services.ON HIATUS I'M SORRY





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first foray into The Good Place ff, and I'm extremely into it. I hope I get the characterizations right! As you can guess from the title, this is a vaguely AU headcanon based on the highly-esteemed (IMO) #333 reboot we got a slight glimpse of. Clearly I have a very active imagination. Also I realized that Vicki/Vicky's name is spelled differently all over the place, so I had a minor crisis (hence why her name is spelled with a 'y' on my FF.net iteration of this...lol). Anyway, all the usual disclaimers (aka I don't own anything, can barely afford rent, etc etc) apply, and I always love a solid review. Enjoy!

Eleanor slumped back into her seat at Froyo-Yo Your Boat- the frozen yogurt cafe complete with a froyo river (that  _never_  melted...The Good Place was seriously wild sometimes)- and ground her teeth. Her eyes were set on a couple at a table across the room. Before her face could set into a full-on scowl- which Eleanor had learned was  _not_  banned in the Good Place- she was shaken out of it by a whimper under the table.

"Sorry, Stunner," she sighed, glancing down at the source of her interruption.

In one swift motion, she leant down to offer Stunner- the golden retriever named after the finisher move of the only man she'd ever loved, Stone Cold Steve Austin (obviously)- a lick of Peeing on an Unmarked Hydrant.

Despite her best efforts, she glanced across the cafe again, seeing Chidi and Stephanie getting up now, all jovial and shirt.

"They probably ordered something super nerdy, like Virgin Books and Blocking Climate Change Deniers on Facebook, or something," she scoffed.

Stunner just cocked his head at her curiously.

"Yeah, I know," Eleanor sighed, scrunching her nose. "Not my best work."

Once she knew the coast was clear, she got up from her own seat, taking the last spoonful of Raised Credit Card Limit. Stunner's discarded cup caught her eye. She considered leaving it on the ground, but eventually picked it up and tossed it in the trash.

"Forking Chidi and his forking  _good person_  lessons," she grumbled under her breath.

After taking Stunner on a walk that  _totally didn't_  consist of purposely walking past Stephanie's house and peering in the windows, or anything, she arrived back to her own Technicolor Dreamhouse (huh, more like  _Nightmare_ house, she thought), collapsing onto her couch in a heap.

She watched Jerry Springer for a while- god, even the  _bleeps_  were different here- before being interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Seriously?" She cried at the disturbance. "The pregnant chick literally  _just_  took her top off."

There was no effort made to change the channel before padding to the door, because of course not. If Jerry Springer wasn't made for Good Place people it wouldn't have been available on demand, right?

"Oh, it's you," Eleanor shrugged.

"Well hello to you, too, Eleanor," Tahani greeted airily.

"Ready for today's lesson?" Chidi popped up behind Tahani, like an annoying, nerdy ghost. She suddenly had the urge to touch him just to confirm that he was really there (and definitely for no other reasons…)

"Tahani, why are you here?" She raised an eyebrow. "I mean, no offense, but you're not the one who needs help being good- er...Gooder! More good! Like me, who is already good, but wants to out-good even myself."

_Whew, close one._

Behind Tahani, Chidi looked at her with a mix of panic and helplessness, pursing his lips.

Tahani simply scoffed, none the wiser. "Oh, Eleanor, don't be silly. Of course I'm very aware of my many benevolent attributes. I just wanted to see your dog."

Without warning, Tahani whistled, causing Eleanor's soulmate to come galloping out into the living room while Chidi passed by, setting up his chalkboard.

An amused laugh escaped Eleanor's lips. "Huh, Tahani and a puppy. Feels like it should be in a calendar or centerfold or something."

The lesson passed without a shred of understanding on Eleanor's part- not for lack of effort by Chidi (a  _painful_  amount of effort, if you asked Eleanor). As if to punctuate that it was truly over, Stunner bounded over to Eleanor and started licking her on the face, a thankful reprieve from Kant or Platypus or whoever.

Chidi watched the scene fondly in a way that made Eleanor's face heat up and her neck itch.

"Y'know Eleanor, I feel like you really hit the jackpot with your soulmate," he laughed in a genuine way that made Eleanor feel all indigestion-y.

How was there even indigestion in the Good Place? Well, maybe for frauds, there was.

She sat up immediately, "What do you mean? Not happy with yours?"

She felt Tahani's eyes flick over to the scene, but refused to make eye contact.

"What?" Chidi laughed airily. "Oh, no. Stephanie and I have been getting along great! In fact, we have dinner pl-"

Eleanor cut him off with what she hoped was a disinterested shrug. "Great! Enjoy your library crawl, or whatever."

With that, she got up and scaled the ledge to her bedroom, leaving Chidi, Tahani, and Stunner in the living room.

Chidi stared- a mix of bewilderment and disappointment playing at his features- at her rapidly closing clown door for a few moments before nodding.

"Ooookay then," He spoke in an attempt to diffuse the awkward tension. "I guess I'll be, um, going now. Bye Eleanor!"

Eleanor huffed out an exasperated "Bye Chidi," which she's fairly certain was muffled by the comforter she was lying face down on.

She heard the door close once, then pounded her fists into the bed approximately 20 times before emerging again.

Tahani simply sat there with a single eyebrow raised.

"So I have a confession to make," Eleanor said sheepishly.

She was annoyed that she'd never felt, like, nearly  _any_  shame in her life, but now that she was dead it was somehow basically inescapable.

"Go on," Tahani urged.

"I  _think_  I'm in love with Chidi. I mean- forking Chidi!" She groaned.

"You... _think_." Tahani's expression remained unchanged, raised eyebrow firmly intact.

"I want him...bad," Eleanor nodded definitively.

"Aaaand, there it is," Tahani nodded in turn, looking smug.

"I'm surrounded by a bunch of know-it-alls!" Eleanor huffed, as even her dog was giving her a peculiar look.

"What do you plan to do about it?" Tahani pressed on, which made Eleanor want to die if she hadn't already been dead.

"Dunno, man, feelings are  _not_  my jam," Eleanor shook her head fervently, starting to pace the room. "Plus, like, what am I gonna do?  _Ruin_  the little nerd's entire afterlife by forking things up with his LITERAL soulmate?"

"And what about how Stunner feels?" Tahani put on her best scandalized voice, gesturing down at the golden retriever- she hoped that wherever Kamilah was, she knew deep down that her big sister was the better actress of the two of them.

Eleanor tossed a pillow at Tahani. "Not helping!"

After fixing her hair in the most miniscule reflection of a picture frame, Tahani stood, struck with a sudden and  _brilliant_  idea.

"I'll see you later, Eleanor," She said brightly and without room for any comment, giving Stunner a pat before flouncing out the door.

"Good talk!" Eleanor groaned at the door Tahani had just passed through.

_What the fork was she gonna do?_


	2. Chapter 2

“Michael!” Tahani floated (because that's really the best way to describe how she moved) into his office.

“Michael can’t help you now,” Vicki announced with an evil laugh, dramatically turning in her chair.

Tahani merely blinked. “Well then…...can you?”

“Really?” Vicki slumped her shoulders. “No reaction?”

Tahani merely shrugged.

Vicki sighed, folding her hands on the desk as she appraised the woman in front of her. “What is it?” 

“I'm trying to scheme,” Tahani’s eyes shifted as though she was revealing a dark secret. 

Vicki’s eyes immediately lit up. “I’m listening.”

Tahani clasped her hands in excitement, leaning closer to the desk.

“I want to play matchmaker.”

“...that’s it?”

“What do you mean _‘that’s it?’_ ” Tahani imitated Vicki’s tone in annoyance, then quickly switched back to her textbook perfect enthusiasm. “It’s always been a passion of mine to help people achieve things that I can’t!”

“Oh honey…” Vicki groaned sympathetically, then continued. “But wait...how does this even require _my_ help?”

Tahani glanced around the room nervously. “Well, it’s because the two people in question…” her voice dropped to a whisper “...aren’t soulmates.”

“O….kay?” Vicki’s voice lacked comprehension, until the facade finally dawned on her again. “I mean... _OKAY_. Well, Tahani, as I’m sure you know, messing with soulmates is serious business. So I need to ask- what’s in it for you?”

Tahani’s face faltered for a second, then she quickly regained her composure.

“Nothing at all! I mean, this is the Good Place, after all. Why would I _not_ want to help out two friends in love?”

Vicki fought the urge to laugh.

“Look,” she sighed, laying her hands flat on the desk. “I’m gonna tell you something, partially just because I hate my ex, Trevor, and want to fuck with him, but mostly because something about you makes me want to tell you _literally_ everything.”

“You mean _fork_ , right?”

“Oh, we’re allowed to say actual words, like dignified adults,” Vicki scoffed. “But anyway, back to the point. Drumroll, please.”

Tahani looked around the room in confusion for a second, then began patting her hands on the desk in front of her in the weakest, most hesitant drumroll known to man (dead _and_ alive).

“So, you’re not actually in the Good Place. You’re in the Bad Place, and soulmates aren’t real... _surprise_ ,” Vicki held her hands out, mentally bracing for the freakout.

Tahani’s eyes practically bulged out of her head.

“I’m taking your silence as shock,” Vicki shrugged, continuing. “Yes, it’s true, you big, beautiful bug. This is not the Good Place, merely a facade."

Tahani’s eyes still hadn’t returned to their normal state. “H-how is that possible?”

“I’ll explain that later,” Vicki waved her hand dismissively. “Since I literally feel strangely powerless and unguarded around you. But anyway, back to this whole matchmaking deal.”

“Okay,” Tahani took a deep breath, still looking largely unsettled. “Well- don’t get me wrong, I think Chidi and Eleanor are made for each other, and whatever- but deep down, I just really, _really_ want that dog.”

Vicki let out a laugh, exasperated and high-pitched. “Wait...you wanted to distract someone with true love long enough to _steal their dog_ , and you still really thought you made it into the Good Place?”

“My charities!” Tahani cried in protest.

Vicki rolled her eyes. “So are we doing this thing, or not?”

“How can I be sure you’ll even help me?” Tahani narrowed her eyes, apparently choosing _this_ as the moment to distrust her, for whatever reason.

Vicki’s voice changed, “Let’s just say I have a very particular set of skills.”

Tahani looked at her blankly.

“Taken? You’ve never seen _Taken?_ Really?!” She threw her hands up in exasperation.

“Clearly not,” Tahani snipped, feeling suddenly uncomfortably under Vicki’s judgmental gaze.

“It’s a classic! When this is over, you _severely_ need to be educated on thriller human trafficking cinema,” Vicki sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the brevity and being mainly just dialogue! I'm still ~scene setting~, I swear it'll get more interesting! As always, reviews are always welcome!


	3. Chapter 3

Eleanor was sitting at the counter eating froyo when she heard a knock at her door. Curiously, she answered it. She fully acknowledged and accepted that she wasn’t exactly the most  _ neighborly _ person around here.

“Chidi,” she jumped, her voice uncharacteristically rising an octave before recovering to her usual flippancy. “This isn’t the library, nerd.”

“It isn’t, no,” he nodded matter-of-factly.

“And where’s Stephanie?” She tried not to crane her neck to look past him, but the temptation was too real.

“Dunno,” Chidi shrugged. “Her place, probably.”

“And you’re...here.”

“Eleanor, are you feeling alright?” Chidi eyed her with a concern that she both hated and  _ something-other-than-hated _ , but she hadn’t  _ quite _ worked that one out just yet.

“Huh?”

“Well, you definitely weren’t paying attention in our lesson today, there was your mini shutdown after that, and now...are you on your second cup of frozen yogurt today?”

“To be fair, I literally  _ never _ pay attention in your lessons,” she cocked her head as Chidi rolled his eyes. “But, for your information, it’s my third cu- wait...how would you even know it was my second?”

“I saw you at Froyo-Yo Your Boat this morning,” he shrugged.

“How? I mean...you and Stephanie looked all... _ cozy _ and shirt.”

“Of course I saw you,” he said, causing Eleanor’s eyes to light up. “We’re friends.”

_ Aaaaand there’s that. _

They just looked at each other in silence for a few moments before Chidi stepped forward in a move that made Eleanor jump back in alarm.

“Sheesh! What?!” She nearly hissed.

Chidi furrowed his brows. “What is  _ up  _ with you today. That’s it- hand over the froyo.”

This resulted in a 10 minute chase around her house, ending with them both seated on the couch, Chidi gasping for air and the froyo melted in Eleanor’s hands.

“Probably the most exercise you’ve gotten in the past...ever,” Eleanor remarked, raising an eyebrow.

Chidi frowned. “Why are you so mean?!”

Eleanor immediately felt guilty. God, she wasn’t used to this. 

“Oh come on, you know I’m just joking, Cheedster. Besides, you’re actually surprisingly jacked.”

He could feel her eyes appraising him and now it was his turn to feel vaguely itchy. 

“How was your date?” Eleanor hoped she sounded nonchalant.

“Ah, that,” Chidi laughed humorlessly. “Didn’t happen, actually. Stephanie got a little wrapped up in my copy of  _ The Treatise of Human Nature _ . Said she’s gonna write me little notes in the margins.”

“Wow- doing extra reading while reading. Sounds like some _Pimp_ _My Book_ kinda shirt,” Eleanor raised an eyebrow before her eyes momentarily flicked to one of the books Chidi had left on her coffee table.

“Pimp My- wha?” Chidi looked bewildered.

Eleanor scoffed. “Of course you never learned about the timelessness of Xzibit in your pithy  _ books _ . Okay, I’m about to show you the true cinematic genius of our time, but only if you’re truly committed. Okay?”

Chidi looked uneasy. “Okay.”

“C’mon! We’re friends, shouldn’t we be getting to know each other better? I obviously have  _ more  _ than enough material on you,” she gestured toward the stack of books sitting there, clearly unread.

He gulped. “Y’know what, you’re right.”

“Of course I am,” she shrugged.

She casually kicked up her feet, swinging her legs so they rested on Chidi’s lap. Bold? Sure. But it’s not like Pimp My Ride was a romcom or any bullshirt like that. She could’ve sworn she heard Chidi’s breath hitch momentarily, but it was quickly drowned out by the show’s theme music.

Hours and episodes had passed when Eleanor finally flicked the television off, assuming Chidi must’ve been experiencing a sensory overload. 

“I...I don’t get it,” Chidi slowly turned his head away from the now-blank tv screen. “Why would someone need a  _ hot dog machine _ in their car?” 

“Don’t forget the mobile yoga studio!” Eleanor added in all seriousness. “To be honest, it sounds a little Good Place-y, actually.”

“Ah, look at the time!” Chidi jumped up after gingerly removing Eleanor’s feet from his lap (her ankles felt like they were on forking fire). “I better be going.”

“Back to Stephanie’s, right?” Eleanor asked tentatively, following him to the door.

“Um, probably my place,” Chidi shrugged, trying to resist the urge to read any further into Eleanor’s questioning.

“So, um...not Stephanie’s place,” she nodded slowly.

“One would assume that, yes,” Chidi couldn’t hold back the short laugh that left his lips as he shook his head lightly.

“Welp, see ya around, bud!” Eleanor extended her hand for a fist bump.

Rolling his eyes, Chidi ignored it and wrapped his arms around her in a hug- a  _ totally platonic _ hug.

“Night, Eleanor,” he laughed.

She watched his back get smaller and smaller for a bit, then slammed the door tight behind her, shaking her head in exasperation. She should’ve  _ known _ Pimp My Ride would get her all hot and bothered (when had it not, really?). She squeezed her eyes tightly for a second- shaking her head not unlike Stunner did after a bath (which, for the record, having a soulmate you have to physically bathe yourself was complete bullshirt)- and then sat back down on her couch, yanking one of Chidi’s books into her lap.


	4. Chapter 4

Tahani wasted no time when she arrived at Michael’s- er,  _ Vicki’s _ \- office the next day. Vicki had added her own  _flair_ to the place, namely replacing the photo of Doug Forcett with one of her own.

“Question!”

“Hey to you, too,” Vicki rolled her eyes. “What is it?”

“Where exactly  _ is _ Michael?”

“Ah, him,” Vicki pursed her lips. “He’s been- for lack of a better word- overthrown. Actually, nope, that’s exactly the right word.”

“But how?” Tahani asked.

“Well, let me start from the beginning. Everyone you see around you- minus Chidi, Eleanor, Jason, and Janet- are demons.  _ However _ , I wasn’t always a demon,” she explained.

“A demon?” Tahani jumped up from her seat, putting considerable space between herself and Vicki’s desk, but then comprehension dawned on her features. “Oh, now that whole  _ human trafficking thriller _ thing makes sense.”

“Um, excuse me, did you  _ not _ hear the ‘wasn’t always’ part?” Vicki huffed, more annoyed by  _ how much _ she cared about Tahani’s reaction to her origin story than she actually cared about the reaction. “But anyway. Yes, when we died, we were neither good enough nor bad enough. We got the option of becoming angels or demons and working our way through the afterlife...for all eternity. It was essentially an indentured servant kinda deal.”

Tahani squinted at the story, trying to make sense of it all.

“Most of us chose being angels. So while, no, I was never actually  _ in _ the Good Place, I was, however, Good Place  _ adjacent _ ,” Vicki pointed a finger at her in an attempt to defend herself. “Remember that. But there were also people, who, tired of living a life of mediocrity and shaky-at-best moral code, chose to just go straight to demonhood. Michael was one of those...and fucking Trevor.”

The last part was mumbled under Vicki’s breath. She continued.

“Everyone sequestered to the Medium Place made the choice between angel and demon- except for Mindy St. Claire, that weirdo. I guess after a life of getting horrible people off- pun  _ very _ intended- and rail after rail of cocaine you just kinda wanna chill,” Vicki shrugged. “So anyway, I was minding my business, being an angel and all, when  _ the incident _ happened. Then I was damned to demonhood forever, and here I am. The other demons and I were sick of Michael, so we went on strike until he was forced to give in to our demands. Do you know what a union is?”

Tahani simply shook her head, a dumbstruck look on her face.

“Pretty much groups of workers who lobby to protect their rights and advocate for good working conditions. That’s basically what we are.”

“Sounds depressing,” Tahani grimaced, finally speaking. “And oh so plebeian.”

There was a momentary silence while Vicki rolled her eyes, then Tahani spoke again.

“So who is this...Travis character? Tony? Toblerone?” She said each name with more disdain.

“Trevor,” Vicki involuntarily balled her fists at his name. “He’s basically the head demon, despite what Michael wanted everyone to think. I mean, poor sap didn’t even get to be an architect for hundreds of years- talk about delusional. Long story short, Trevor is the worst- both in and out of bed- and I want to make him suffer. Therefore, I am more than comfortable with letting Michael’s- and his, by extension- plan be smashed to bits.”

“Any ideas?” Tahani raised an eyebrow.

“Well, first we start with your two fake soulmate friends, or whatever,” Vicki shook a dismissive hand. “Then, I’m thinking all out, balls-to-the-wall sabotage.”

“I’m sorry, what-to-the- _ what _ ,” Tahani blurted in disgust, but Vicki ignored her.

Her eyes were shining with evil glee as she continued. “I’m talking the  _ real _ Good Place, baby. There’s nothing Trevor hates more than losing people.”

“You could get us there?” Tahani’s eyes were wide once again. Like taking candy from a big, beautiful baby.

“You precious puppy, you,” Vicki softened for a bit before continuing. “Of course I could. ‘A deal with the devil’ isn’t just a figure of speech, y’know.”

Tahani was silent for a bit, then her face broke out in an unsettlingly wide smile as she clasped her hands in her lap.

“Where do we begin?”

Vicki’s eyes met hers across the desk, a searing stare as her smile slowly grew to match her own. They remained like this for a few seconds, or maybe minutes, or possibly years(?), before Vicki finally- reluctantly- broke the tension.

“But wait- what about your supposed soulmate?” 

“My...who...oh! Mikhail, right,” Tahani brought back down to earth, shaking her head. “He’ll be just fine, I’m sure.”

Her tone was anything _ but _ sure, but Vicki wanted to keep things light. She smiled reassuringly back at Tahani.

“Right. Well, Tahani, let’s go get you that dog,” she stood as if to punctuate her statement.

Tahani nodded slowly, as if only starting to comprehend everything she’d just been told. However, she couldn’t quell her excitement over the idea of having a pet of her own. And she felt something else- something unexplainable- deep down, too. But she ignored it, for now.


	5. Chapter 5

Eleanor’s day went as most do, drinking fake coffee, walking her soulmate, washing her soulmate, and lessons with Chidi. For a supposed Good Place, there was very little variety in her life. This often brought her to flashbacks about how many jobs she’d held- and lost- within the course of any given single year in her life. The visuals were rarely pretty. There was the stint at the movie theater that lasted 3 months (ending with her getting canned for making lewd gestures when buttering the popcorn), the MLM scheme that lasted 2 (ending with her termination over making lewd remarks in an attempt to sucker new buyers), and then the hair salon that lasted literally one week (her firing was  _also_ due to making lewd gestures when applying shampoo to anyone's head). Whatever, Eleanor Shellstrop was no  _shampoo bitch_ (or 'insert job title here' whenever she lost one).

She was mid-lesson on Kant when Janet materialized in the room without warning.

“Gah, Janet! I was actually paying attention for once!” She groaned.

“Hello!” Janet merely responded.

“You were?” Chidi chimed in at the same time, softly, but with a look of pride.

“I mean, I guess...sorta,” she grumbled, rolling her eyes.

Next thing she knew, Chidi was at her side, squeezing her shoulder jokingly.

“You can admit it, Eleanor, Kant is fascinating!” 

She shrugged his hand off like a disgruntled teen and found that she missed feeling him on her immediately.

“So are we done, teach?” She looked up at him expectantly, averting her eyes quickly due to the look in his.

Chidi sighed. “I suppose we’ll never be able to get you back on track after this. What brings you here, Janet?”

“Eleanor, Jianyu would like to speak with you,” Janet explained, then looked over at Chidi. “Privately.”

“Ah,” Chidi had an unreadable expression on his face- if you asked Eleanor, he looked a little constipated. “Guess that’s my cue.”

“Bye Chidi,” Eleanor smiled at him tightly. “See ya later.”

“Later, Eleanor,” he nodded, returning the same smile.

Jianyu walked in as Chidi walked out, and Janet disappeared.

“Jason,” Eleanor huffed at the interruption. “What’s going on?”

“I could use some  _ sick _ advice, and since you’re the only one who knows I can talk, here I am,” Jason shrugged.

“You really know how to make a girl feel special,” Eleanor rolled her eyes.

“Whoa! It’s like you read my mind!” Jason gasped. “Maybe we both have PTSD or something, y’know, because we’re... _ both bad _ .”

His voice dropped to a stage whisper on the last two words.

She wanted to let him know that,  _as a matter of fact_ , she probably  **did** actually have PTSD due to her trash upbringing, but that was not a conversation Jason would comprehend in this afterlifetime. 

“What’s up, Jason?” She  _ really _ wanted to cut to the chase.

“So Janet is a total babe. The whole package. Even hotter than the girlfriend I made for myself in Sims that one time,” He explained without taking a breath or realizing that Janet had materialized, once again, at the mention of her name.

“Not a girl,” Eleanor and Janet both noted, which went wholly unacknowledged by Jason.

“But how do I get her to notice me?” He whined. “I called her earlier and put on my  _ dopest _ dj mix for her- seriously, it was custom! Every time the song asked if anyone’s seen Molly, I changed it to say Janet! But she just kept appearing and disappearing.”

“Well, bud, why don’t ya just ask her out,” Eleanor nodded toward Janet, forcing Jason to turn around.

“Hey, Janet,” Jason greeted.

“Hello!” Janet answered.

“You’re like, the nicest, most helpful,  _ freshest  _ friend I’ve ever had,” he said with a tenderness that made Eleanor feel weird.

“Standing right here, buddy!” Eleanor called from her spot.

“I know, I am literally programmed to be like that,” Janet responded factually.

“Would you like to grab some grub with me?” Jason asked, eyes wide with hope.

“I physically cannot eat,” She nodded happily.

“A movie?” Jason countered, not dissuaded in the slightest.

“I can watch every movie in the blink of an eye. Even Titanic.”

“Well do you maybe wanna...be my girlfriend?” He bounced excitedly.

“Okay,” Janet shrugged as Jason took her hands.

“Woo!” He cried victoriously. “I knew I wasn’t gonna die a virgin!”

With that, he left with Janet while Eleanor and Stunner were left standing there, bewildered.

“So that was…...that,” Eleanor nodded as Stunner laid down and put a paw over his eyes.

“Yeah, me too bud, me too.”

Decidedly needing fresh air, she took Stunner out for the second time that day, settling (as usual) on frozen yogurt. Today she opted for their newest flavor- “Janet and Jason 4eva,” scrawled across the menu in what looked like a young child’s handwriting. Eleanor overheard some murmurs of “who’s Jason?” from behind her. If only they knew... (she shuddered at the thought.)

“Tastes like EDM,” she scrunched her nose.

As she turned to leave, she slammed right into Chidi, walking hand-in-hand with Stephanie, effectively getting froyo on his chest. Eleanor suddenly felt like she was being forcefully squeezed by a boa constrictor. She was starting to get a little skeptical of this whole  _ Good Place _ thing.

“Aw, shirt, I got sick beats all over your sweater,” she groaned, attempting to wipe off the mess with a handful of messy napkins.

“Oh, “ Chidi remarked, flustered. “Um, it’s okay- really.”

“It’s okay, Eleanor, I’ve got it,” Stephanie stepped in, taking the now-disgusting napkins out of her hand ( _ have fun with those _ , Eleanor thought) and doing a much better job at cleaning Chidi’s shirt.

“Welp, looks like this situation is under control,” Eleanor stammered. “I’ll be going now!”

“Oh, um, okay,” was all Chidi managed to get out.

“Oh! Wait,” Eleanor turned back around, rummaging through her bag then pulling out a book. “This is yours.”

“Eleanor,” Chidi looked impressed. “Don’t tell me you finished it already!”

“Um, no, definitely not,” she laughed. “Buuuuut...I want you to have it back.”

Before he could react, she shoved it in his hands, yelled “ _ NOTAKEBACKS” _ and ran off, Stunner keeping the pace with her easily.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok genuinely did NOT mean to keep people waiting that long- my b! But this chapter's a longer one, mainly because I couldn't find a logical place to cut it off. Enjoy!

“So,” Tahani turned around tentatively in the foyer of her massive afterlife home. “What do you think?”

She wasn’t sure why she cared about a  _ literal demon’s _ opinion on her party decor, but then again, entertaining was her  _ thing _ . And winning was never previously her  _ thing _ , but she was pretty damn determined to make it her  _ thing _ , now that she literally had a demon on her side. Simply put, the girl needed a hobby.

“A  _ little _ tacky, but for this occasion...perfect,” Vicki tutted in backhanded approval. “Now to invite people.”

“Ooh! Cardstock, or maybe something a bit more creative- carrier pigeon?!” Tahani mused dreamily as visions of RSVPs filled her head.

“Um...no,” Vicki laughed. “Janet!”

With that, Janet appeared at their side, all wide eyes and Stepford Wife smile. 

“There’s a party here tonight. Tell everyone,” Vicki commanded with sugary sweetness.

Two seconds later, Janet’s voice boomed over the entirety of the (fake) Good Place, repeating that there was a party at Tahani’s tonight until it had been sufficiently beaten into everyone’s heads. She reappeared in the foyer.

“Thank you, Janet,” Vicki nodded. “You’re dismissed.”

“Goodbye.”

“So now what?” Tahani realized her planning had only gotten them so far.

Vicki laughed. “Oh, no, this is all on you. You execute your idea, then I’ll execute mine. Just consider me back here as the little devil on your shoulder.”

Tahani narrowed her eyes, “So your plan is literally just to stand back and watch me work?”

Vicki’s eyes surveyed Tahani for a second before she responded. 

“Yup. Yes, I am content doing exactly that.”

Rolling her eyes, Tahani stalked off, grabbing a few handfuls of crepe paper.

The decorating passed by quickly, Tahani lost in hostess bliss. Maybe  _ that _ was her true Good Place- cocooned in the safety of a roll of crepe paper. After more toiling, Tahani disappeared upstairs to change, coming down nearly an hour later (not that time was really a thing, anyway- in real life it probably would’ve taken about five) and standing at the foot of the stairs in a new gown with full hair and makeup. 

Vicki blinked up at her in wide-eyed silence.

“It’s just like those horrible teen romances with the makeover reveal! Except I’ve always been beautiful,” she gushed, effectively ruining the moment and sauntering down the stairs.

“What about Mikhail?” Vicki raised an eyebrow. “Where is he?”

“Mik-who?...OH. Um,” Tahani looked flustered all of a sudden before retreating back up the stairs to grab her extremely underdressed and bewildered “soulmate.” 

“We’re having a party tonight,” Vicki could hear Tahani explaining it to him aggressively slowly.

He nodded just as slowly in vague comprehension, eliciting a groan from Tahani and a laugh from Vicki.

“Aren’t ya so glad soulmates  _ aren’t _ real?” Vicki nudged her shoulder once Mikhail had gone back upstairs to change.

Tahani couldn’t read her expression when she turned to face her, their shoulders still lightly touching. 

A knock on the door killed the moment once again, and guests started filtering in consistently. Vicki made herself scarce- preferring to observe- leaving Tahani pathetically alone as she greeted her neighbors and Mikhail was nowhere to be found.

Chidi and Stephanie eventually showed up, earning faux enthusiasm from Tahani as she regarded them. They  _ matched _ , she nearly gagged. Matching was so...prom. Not that she went to one, of course- she wouldn’t have been caught dead at such an amateur hour. But she’d seen the photos from the 13 that Kamila had been asked to- and subsequently won prom queen (even when she didn’t even attend the school!!)- and that had been enough.

From the door, she watched Chidi behaving bizarrely, wringing his hands, actually  _ drinking a cocktail _ , and looking genuinely very uncomfortable. She’d never seen him act this way. But then again, whenever she saw him he was with Eleanor, after all…(and never his own “soulmate,” she thought, ironically). Eventually he crossed the room to chat with her.

“Tahani, hey,” he greeted with a hand on her shoulder.

“Enjoying the party?” Tahani acted blissfully unaware that she’d just seen his strange behavior across the room. 

“Um...yeah,” Chidi looked around nervously. “Have you seen Eleanor?” 

An evil and knowing smile threatened to crack her face in half. “Why no, Chidi, I haven’t. It appears she’s late.”

“What else is new?” He laughed.

“Any messages you’d like me to pass along to her?” Tahani looked at him suspiciously.

“Nope, no, I’m good! I’ll just wait,” he nodded before slinking back toward Stephanie.

As if on cue, Eleanor entered alongside Jason (Jianyu to everyone else), with Jason’s equally silent soulmate, Katla, trailing behind them.

“Eleanor! Jianyu! And...Katla!” Tahani clasped her hands in excitement. “No Stunner this evening?”

Eleanor shrugged. “Couldn’t get the bowtie on him.”

“Well come in, come in!” Tahani ushered them inside, taking a hold of Eleanor’s shoulders and not-so-subtly facing her in Chidi’s direction.

But Chidi’s direction was also Stephanie’s direction, so Eleanor vaguely scowled.

Oblivious to that entire scene, Jason zeroed in on Janet across the room, obediently standing behind the bar shouting Prohibition-era colloquialisms.

He made his way over to her, but was rebuffed. Pouting, he returned to Eleanor’s side as a hush fell over the room. Eleanor glanced over at Tahani, expecting her to be the source of the silence, but she looked just as confused as the rest of them. It turned out to be Mikhail, dressed barely differently than he was prior, opting to wear a polo with his board shorts as opposed to his earlier wifebeater. His hair- long and blonde- looked impeccable, however. The room stilled as he made his “grand entrance,” trotting down the stairs, generally unaware of all the eyes on him. 

“Hey, it’s like in those movies where the girl gets hot!” Jason unknowingly repeated Tahani’s earlier sentiment to Eleanor (thankfully only at whisper volume) as she shushed him, effectively breaking the silence

Tahani just groaned, gritting her teeth as she sidled over to Mikhail’s side.

“Mikhail, darling. Don’t you just look...tropical,” She forced a smile, linking her arm through his.

“Thanks, babe,” he planted a kiss on her cheek. “However, I’d still consider  _ you _ the exotic one.”

She fought to hide her scowl as she caught Vicki laughing covertly in the shadows.

Soon enough, Jason was back to business, yanking Eleanor out of plain sight of the party with his lip stuck out in a comically pronounced pout once again.

“Eleanor, she won’t even  _ talk _ to me,” Jason whined, crazy-eyed.

“Jason, chill,” Eleanor sighed, putting a placating hand on his shoulder.

Across the room, Chidi watched the exchange with mild interest. He felt something strange in the pit of his stomach. He assumed it could be resolved with a sip of his drink. He was only half-right. He realized now that he had  _not_ drank enough in his earthly life.  _Gotta be sharp in the face of any possible ethical dilemma_ , he told himself (usually out loud...in the bathroom mirror at parties).

Jason’s tone remained hopeless. “How am I supposed to chill? It never gets cold here! It’s just like being back in J-Town, except less sick cars.”

“I don’t mean...gah!” Eleanor threw her hands up in exasperation, then regained her composure. “If people find out about you and Janet, they’ll know something is off about you- i.e. that you  _ speak _ . And once that dam is open, sheesh. You don’t want that, right?”

“I don’t?” He cocked his head at her.

“Dear god,” she muttered under her breath before continuing. “No, because then you’ll be sent to the Bad Place- where you most likely  _ rightfully belong _ , and will never see Janet again.”

He shrieked in horror.

“Understand?” Eleanor asked firmly, placing a hand on either one of his shoulders.

“Almost,” Jason nodded gravely.

“Atta boy,” she patted him on the head before he trailed off.

Before she had a second to catch her breath from that  _ rousing _ exchange, Chidi was at her side, causing her to jump in surprise.

“Cheesus!” She exclaimed. “I mean,  _ cheesus _ ! I- you know what I mean.”

Chidi laughed. “Relax, Eleanor, it’s just me.”

She felt her body relaxing in spite of herself.

“What’s up?” She asked, since he was the one who approached her, after all (not that she was complaining- she seemed to do less of that lately, when he was around).

“I just...I mean, it’s probably none of my business, but…” he released a deep breath. “What’s going on with you and Jianyu?”

“I’m sorry?” Eleanor spluttered, eyebrows practically one with her hairline.

“Y’know,” his attempts to act nonchalant were- as always- an utter failure. “Chatting closely together, meeting up  _ in private _ . Also was he just...talking?

A moment of silence passed between them before Eleanor’s sharp, full-bodied laugh pierced through it, causing Chidi to physically recoil a bit.

“Wait a minute,” she gasped between laughs. “You...you thought I was cheating on my  _ golden retriever soulmate _ ...with him?”

Chidi felt the heat rising in his face.

“You guys  _ do _ seem to have a very...particular friendship,” his tone turned defensive.

“Wow, maybe you should’ve worn sneakers tonight if you were planning on jumping to conclusions like that.” Eleanor groaned, looking up at the ceiling. “I should  _ not _ be telling you this, but...ugh, okay, I’ll tell you, but not just out in the open like this!”

Elsewhere, Tahani heard a faint hissing sound, causing her to glance around in confusion for a few seconds before finding its source- Vicki crouched behind a decorative pillar.

“What?” Tahani huffed, wrenching her arm away from Mikhail, who seemed none the wiser.

“Is that really all ya got?” Vicki crossed her arms, unimpressed.

Suddenly Tahani felt an overwhelming urge to prove herself.

“Well what do you suggest?!” She flailed her arms defiantly, her voice a stage whisper.

Vicki glanced around the room suspiciously before leaning in and cupping her hand around Tahani’s ear to divulge her plan. Tahani tried to focus on her words and  _ not _ the hot breath on her ear. She found that looking at Mikhail had a way of cooling her down fairly efficiently. Yup, definitely glad that soulmates weren’t forking real. 

With a small nod, she ran over to Chidi and Eleanor as they passed the bar on their way to god-knows-where. 

“Not so fast, you two!” She slammed her hands down on the bar to hold their attention, causing them both to jump slightly.

She looked crazed. They glanced at her expectantly until she realized that Vicki’s “get them drunk” advice was easier said than done. All she’d ever known was a lifetime of playing DD for Kamila’s friends (which is more than Eleanor could ever say, but still…)

“This party is to celebrate...” she scanned the crowd before her eyes found a source of inspiration (or something). “Mikhail and I! It’s been four months of being soulmates now. And I’m sure you’re both aware that four months is the...tequila shot anniversary.”

Wherever Vicki was right now, Tahani was sure she was facepalming.

“Oh,” Eleanor furrowed her brow. “That’s just what I call Tuesday!”

At that, Tahani released a horrifyingly fake laugh, not even stopping her shrill laughter to pour two tequila shots and place them gingerly in Eleanor and Chidi’s hands. Flustered, she patted them on the back before counting them down and then hustling away, taking a deep breath.

“Great job, Tahani,’ she quietly congratulated herself once she was out of earshot.

After suffering through the tequila burning their throats, Chidi and Eleanor caught one another’s eyes once more.

“So, talk now?” Chidi raised an eyebrow, gesturing to a spot further away from the bustle of the party.

“Yes please,” she nodded, following closely behind him as he guided her out of sight, hand on her elbow.

Once they were firmly in place, Eleanor took a breath.

“So...Jianyu,” She began, speaking slowly. “First of all- just a friend. Want to make sure that’s  _ extremely _ clear.”

Chidi nodded, now looking sheepish.

“Now, the real news. He can talk,” Eleanor admitted. “And his name is  _ actually  _ Jason. And not only that, but he’s here by mistake, like me.”

“ _ Mistake _ is such a strong word, Eleanor, don’t be so hard on yours-” Chidi started, but Eleanor cut him off.

“Trust me, Cheeds. If you knew me in real life, you’d know that it is  _ not _ an exaggeration,” She sighed.

“But wait, so he can talk? What?!”

“Yes. And he’s also incredibly dumb. Like, inconceivably,” she shook her head in disbelief. “Plus he’s from Florida.”

“Ah, so  _ definitely _ does not belong in the Good Place,” Chidi remarked solemnly.

Eleanor snorted out a laugh. “Wow, good joke, Chidi. Looks like the student has become the teacher.”

“Hm,” Chidi pursed his lips. “I think that would require you actually learning something from me in the first place.”

“Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself,” she patted him on the shoulder and mirrored his phrasing from earlier. “I’m learning stuff, I swear! Even if you don’t notice it. Seriously, you’re a great teacher.”

They locked eyes for a second, until Chidi remembered something, exaggeratedly smacking himself on the head for almost forgetting.

“Can’t believe I almost forgot- the book!” He slurred his words  _ ever-so-slightly _ .

Eleanor immediately pointed an accusatory finger at him, but the only expression on her face was pure amusement. “Aha! You’re drunk, aren’t you? I can hear a drunken slur from  _ miles _ away.”

“Psht, me?” Chidi looked scandalized. “Never.”

“I thought you didn’t believe in lying!” She crossed her arms, cocking her head to the side. “Wow, drunk Chidi is a liar!”

“Keep it down! Keep it down!” Chidi stammered, shushing her to an exaggerated degree, to the extent that they’d somehow ended up much closer than before.

Eleanor could practically feel the forking heat radiating off him. Desperate for a change in topic- seriously,  _ how the fork _ could cold showers still be necessary in the Good Place???- she cleared her throat to speak up.

“So you liked my notes?” She smiled cheekily up at him.

“Could’ve been a little more insightful than things like ‘hey, nerd,’ ‘Plato was a virgin who couldn’t drive,’ and an extremely detailed full-page drawing of a panda, but I can’t deny that they were very... _ you _ ,” Chidi always managed to deliver both scolding and tenderness in his sentences in a way Eleanor had never quite experienced before (and would be content never experiencing from anyone else again, if she was being all honest and corny and bullshirt- but Chidi was the drunk one here, not her ((for once))). 

“Oh and  _ also _ if it makes you feel any better, Jason is, like, _ stupid _ in love with Janet,” Eleanor nodded, very seriously.

“But she’s a-” he started, but then stopped, scoffing. “Why would that make me feel better?”

“Dunno, bud. Sounded a little jealous back there,” Eleanor squinted at him playfully.

Chidi spluttered. “Jealous? No, you’re- that’s-”

She laughed with a smug expression on her face. “You may be the ethics doctor, but sounds like  _ I’m _ the  _ love doctor _ .”

Chidi genuinely laughed out loud.

“Love doctor?!” He looked at her incredulously. “Literally just  _ last week _ you told the story about how your longest relationship ended by you asking the guy- Todd, if I recall correctly- how his relationship with his parents was, him telling you his dad left to buy cigarettes when he was 8 and never came back, and you simply saying ‘same’ and running out.”

“You remembered his name?” Eleanor scrunched her face up in surprise. 

Realizing their proximity, Chidi’s drunkenness, and the overall ridiculousness of their bullshirt situation, Eleanor finally took a step back, sighing.

“Stephanie should probably get you home, dude. I assume your baby-esque liver is gonna need a strict bedtime to fight this bad boy off,” She offered him a small, sad smile before turning back to the party.

It had apparently dwindled in the time they’d been talking. Across the room she saw Jason furtively kicking around a balloon while Mikhail had brought out his surfboard and started polishing it.

“Um, Tahani,” Eleanor stopped their hostess in her tracks, looking puzzled. “Where’s Stephanie?”

“Hm,” Tahani pretended to be deep in thought, squinting around the room to support her charade. “It appears she’s left. Any problems, Eleanor?”

“No I guess I’ll just have to take Chidi home myself,” Eleanor sighed, because of...the  _ implication _ and all that.

“You’re  _ such _ a good friend, Eleanor,” Tahani looked at her fondly, wrapping her in a hug before moving over to Chidi and doing the same.

“Tell me about it,” Eleanor grumbled under her breath, glancing at Chidi out of the corner of her eye.

Chidi was getting drunker by the minute- damn Tahani and those tequila shots- so Eleanor was determined to get him out of there before he actually required physical assistance to walk. There was a reason she was  _ never _ the babysitter when she was alive.

“C’mon, Chidi,” Eleanor huffed, grabbing his hand and pulling him out behind her. 

For once she was actually grateful for her proximity to Tahani’s place.

The real challenge was getting Chidi up that stupid forking ledge to her bedroom. They tried about five different maneuvers until she was able to push him up. And now she was sweating.

“Lightweight,” she murmured, shaking her head, but she was smiling.

She pushed him- probably more forcefully than necessary, but definitely not  _ violent _ , or anything ( _she thinks_ )- onto one side of the bed, and he immediately closed his eyes, muttering incomprehensibly.

“How did you get this drunk?!” She was almost  _ impressed _ .

She stepped back, appraising him for a bit, and felt heat creep up in her cheeks when she realized she was literally watching the man sleep.

“Welp, I should better take these off, otherwise I will be  _ way _ too tempted to draw a penis on your face,” she sighed, starting to work on taking off Chidi’s shoes.

It felt weirdly intimate. Now she was the one feeling nauseous. 

“Eleanor,” Chidi croaked sleepily once she’d started to leave. “Where are you going?”

“I think you’ve been here enough times- like literally every single day- to know that I have a couch,” she remarked- the “duh” was implied.

“No, no,” he murmured, sticking his hand out in her general direction. “Stay. Here.”

Letting out the world’s- er, afterlife’s- longest and deepest sigh, she finally conceded.

“Fine,” she huffed nervously, ignoring his hand. “But three feet apart at all times!”

Chidi had already fallen back asleep before she gingerly crawled into the  _ other _ side of the bed, ensuring a safe distance between them. 

“Forking Chidi,” she muttered under her breath before dozing off.

She woke up to the feeling of a body close to hers, because  _ of course _ she and Chidi were cuddling. And she was big spoon. Also he was holding the hand she’d wrapped around his waist. Multiple panic alarms started to go off in her head. 

She carefully removed her hand from his iron grip, then had to let go of him in a  _ painfully slow _ \- seriously, it was torturous- manner, eventually rolling over to slip out of the bed. She padded to the bathroom- which felt strangely like a walk of shame- and finally changed out of her dress from the night before. 

“Welp, you’ve sure done it this time, kid,” she scolded herself in the mirror. “You are  _ so _ forked.”

When she headed back into the room- this time carrying a bowl of cereal- Chidi was stirring.

He looked around in confusion for a few minutes, then up at Eleanor, groaning.

“I’ve never met someone luckier that there’s a hangover filter here,” she punctuated her sentence by taking a spoonful of cereal.

“What time is it?” Chidi grumbled.

“Dunno,” Eleanor shrugged. “I don’t keep clocks in this place.”

“Every day you find a way to surprise me,” he rolled his eyes.

“Ah, wait! I’ll check on the TV.”

She quickly left and reappeared.

“Five to 11,” she said, matter-of-factly.

Chidi groaned again, panic rising in his face. “I should probably be getting back, let Stephanie know I’m alive and all. Well, technically not  _ alive _ , but, y’know.”

Eleanor had nothing to say, so she just took an especially  _crunchy_ bite of Cap'n Crunch.

Sighing, he got up and put his shoes back on while Eleanor retreated into the living room. He followed her a few minutes later, stopping near the door.

“That shirt is  _ beyond _ wrinkled, dude,” she laughed. “But hey, walk of shaming- up top!”

He narrowed his eyes at her raised hand, but eventually slapped it with his own- unenthusiastically, might he add.

“Look, thank you so much for taking care of me. Seriously, I owe you,” Chidi said sincerely, now.

“You do. That amount of responsibility for another human being makes me itchy."

“I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”

“You will. I’ll make sure,” she nodded with the biggest, fakest smile on her face.

Without warning- though she should probably have been used to it by now- he threw his arms around her, wrapping her in a tight hug.

“As nice as this is,” Eleanor said, returning the gesture with the hand not holding a bowl of cereal. “You  _ reek _ of alcohol. So I’m gonna step away now.”

Chidi laughed, offered her a quick “bye,” and left.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW- I'm the actual worst and I'm so, so sorry. Life has been crazy. But I haven't given up on this fic!!! Pls enjoy the below installment and sorry about the brevity! I'll be working to continue updating ASAP to fill the void until January (*sniffs*).

Tahani sat in Vicki’s office for their daily meeting, ready to recap the party. She’d be lying if she said she hated having these scheming sessions, it added some variety to the otherwise monotonous drone of her afterlife. Also, it was better than watching Mikhail try to surf. She shuddered internally at the thought.

 

“So,” Tahani leaned forward like a woman ready to gossip. “I have a confession to make.”

 

Vicki nodded to indicate that she should continue.

 

“I told Stephanie to leave last night so Eleanor would have to take Chidi home!” She cackled as if it was the most salacious piece of gossip in the world.

 

Vicki pursed her lips a bit, then shook her head and leaned forward over her desk, wanting to spill her own bit.

 

“I can do you one better,” her eyes lit up- as they often did when she spoke of evil things. “I wasn’t  _ exactly _ just an innocent bystander. I messed with Chidi’s drink.”

 

Tahani recoiled, looking disturbed. Okay, not totally the reaction Vicki was expecting.

 

“You  _ drugged _ them?!” She asked incredulously, still looking scandalized.

 

“Whoa, no, not drugging,” Vicki put her hands out defensively. “Lemme make that clear- it was a totally different thing. I just...made him get drunk a little faster.”

 

“Explain,” Tahani crossed her arms, a stern expression on her face.

 

“I merely had Janet give him a stronger alcohol than he asked for,” Vicki shrugged, then snorted. “Clearly the dweeb doesn’t drink much, so it’s not like he knew the difference.”

 

“Okay, new rule,” Tahani couldn’t believe she was saying this. “Drugging is off the table. Or anything remotely similar.”

 

Vicki pouted.

 

“And you say you used to be good!” Tahani shook her head, bemused.

 

“You know what the ancient proverb says- be good or be good at it!” Vicki remarked, smiling proudly.

 

Tahani opened her mouth to argue, but quickly shut it, not wanting to stray too far from the point. Though she never pegged Vicki as a Lil Wayne fan.

 

“But fine,” Vicki slouched in her chair as if she was a teenager who’d just been grounded. “What now?”

 

“Um, aren’t  _ you _ the evil mastermind here?” Tahani crossed her arms. 

 

“Please,” Vicki rolled her eyes. “I can  _ see _ in your eyes that your evil side has just been waiting to emerge now that you don’t have to pretend to be good, or whatever. Plus- we make a pretty solid team.”

 

“A...a team?” Tahani looked at her curiously. “Like my polo club in ‘04?"

 

“Sure,” Vicki huffed. “But I’m a  _ way _ better team player than that Emily Blunt chick.”

 

If Tahani had been a more introspective person she could’ve detected the  _ slightest _ hint of jealousy in Vicki’s tone (which she’d vehemently deny).

 

“Ah, Emily,” Tahani sighed, looking at a far-off memory. “Brilliant style, but horrible, horrible teammate.”

 

Vicki pinched the bridge of her nose. 

 

“What I’m  _ saying _ , Tahani, is that you can trust me.”

 

Tahani looked at her with apprehension, then- in the literal  _ slowest _ burn possible (honestly, it was torturous...and Vicki would know)- her face lit up, a wide smile blessing her features.

 

“Where do we begin?” She quirked a brow before leaning back across the desk.

 

They spent the rest of the afternoon in a similar fashion- heads close together and scheming.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Updates will probably come super quickly. Usually when I write fics I just rapidly update until I hit a sudden and horrible writer's block. It's pretty chill. Anyway, hope y'all liked it! Reviews are strongly encouraged and always appreciated (I'm vaguely sensitive, but constructive criticism is 100% cool, I swear). Thanks!


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